#2 Looking Forward to Torture: How This Site Tweaks My Insecurities

I like to understand what drives people. It helps me build trust.

So in this early post I’m going to share with you what I think is driving me to create this website.

I like working on stuff that I feel is important. A psychologist would call me intrinsically motivated.  So I’m kind of blind to outside praise or heckling. Your approval, while always appreciated, won’t long term change the speed of my motor.  Neither will your criticism. In the short term you can affect me, but over time I’m going to do what I’m going to do.

 Torture

Torture

Now, if you’re into the Meyers Briggs personality indicators type stuff,  I’m an INTJ . A strong introvert. So it makes sense that I often don’t pay too much attention to what other people think or even sometimes feel. Sometimes to a fault.  Sometimes to the point of being labeled oblivious and blunt.

BUT - here’s the contradiction that’s frozen me for years. If I’m so self-motivated to the point of being oblivious, then why am I scared to publish this site? Why does this public disclosure make me feel so INSECURE?

I hate that word.  INSECURE. If feels weak and needy. Not at all how I want you to see me, but I know there’s some part of me that cares what you think. 

My best self analysis tells me that my motivation IS internal. But it’s paired with this aggravating need to be vulnerable to other human beings. To connect with people. If you’ve never read Brené Browns book, Daring Greatly, you should. (Or check out her TED talk videos here and here ).  She says…

"What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable."

I’ve always led with what I know and guarded who I am.  And its worked for me at school and at the office. But there’s also this nagging part of me that senses that Brown is right. That who we are matters more than what we know. That by not fully expressing who I am, I’m cheating myself and everyone around me. 

She goes on to say…

"the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be— a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation— with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly."

So I see the potential value in this exploration. It kind of makes sense. But a huge part of me likes the safe impersonal cocoon that I’ve built. It's cozy and familiar and now, like a dumbass, I'm going to light it on fire. Leave the sidelines. Enter the arena. Let my real self be seen.

I sure hope this Brown lady knows what she's talking about, because this already feels like a bad decision.....

***NOTE: This site works best when you read the posts in order. So please head to the ARCHIVE to get started.